On my mind

I have been thinking a bunch about this time of year in the church calendar. Lent, the season in the church that has historically been set aside for those faithful to walk with their Lord in the desert and feel the temptation and sin that pulls their living flesh from their bones. I am finding it more difficult this year however to get into the "mood" of Lent this year. Seeing as how we are called by tradition to observe this Lententide atmosphere there are a great deal of questions that arise in my head.
Number one, not negating the Law of course, but how am I to focus on my sinful self especially now more than any other time when I already do that more than any person should. My minds eye is not ever satisfied with anythign that I have done becasue there is always a taint of the BLACK that haunts my body. We are supposed to examine our footsteps, trace our sinful path, I have a road map that I add to each second of my life, it is long and detailed and I spend too much time mulling over it as it is, so why now? Why Lent? Is it because there are so many other people taht are blessed the other 325 days in the year. They can go this distance without thinking of their sinful path? I certainly think not. There are always those small occurences, or large ones, that are called out in the mind and spirit of all faithful and God presses their soul toward repentance. Ok, enough on that.
Next, what about the bloody cross, huh? Are we just supposed to forget about that thing? The saturated fibers of cedar, or oak, (whatever that cross was made from) amde full with His blood. Am I supposed to shut the door on that great sacrifice during this time? I would say certainly not, because if I did then I would be losing the reason for trying myself in the desert WITH my Lord. I would deny the fact altogehter that HE is MY Lord.
(Sam has just run himself into a circle of undersatnding and like a Buddhist he is going to try to become enlightened and throw himself off the ring.) We can call that inner commentary.
Shall I sacrifice, what has been so great for many faithful for so long, in my life because I am too focused on the cross at this present time to be led into the desert of my God, which in fact I live in many days pre and post Lententide? I know that this time is certainly a time of struggle leading to a sweet victory that is awaiting, but that victory has already been won, the sweetness like honey is already on our lips, but now we are to stay the sweet taste for the taste of gall. If you taste gall more than honey, how much sweeter will that honey bee...when you are tasting it while remembering He who was "lifted up" for you after those forty days of gall.