A lapse on Spiritual somethingness

Remembering what happens always leaves me thinking this, "How the crap did I let it get this far again?" I hate how often I go into a spiritual lapse, not connecting with my creator in a meaningful way, in a prayer closet, my personal time to be with God and a part of God. These are the times that God reveals to me exactly why I am hear plucking the hairs of my head and rubbing them away from my brow trying to exhaust all possible methods of reaching a lost pagan nation. I think to myself, how the hell am I supposed to do all of this, and then I remember again, I let myself get this way, everything that I am going through is because I have lapsed back to a place the my flesh wants me to be, a spiritual no where looking for a spiritual somethingness.
And now after a talked with soemone I love, I feel something, again.